Okay. Thanksgiving is over. I am so glad we got all that “thankfulness” stuff out of the way. Now we can move onto what really matters: spending money we don’t have on crap we don’t need and for which there is no need to be thankful.
Dutifully, my kids are making Christmas lists for themselves. And wondering what they should buy Dad. And me. And this morning the Sunday paper came and it was 81% ads and the kids pored over them with excitement I haven’t seen since, well, last Christmas. And then there are the 12 mail-order catalogs we get every day. The kids have a cumulative attention span of 43 seconds. Unless they’re looking for stuff to buy. Then they’re good for about 3 hours.
Anyway. After watching them look at the ads this morning, I’m gonna help them out a little. This is a list of things they should categorically NOT give me for Christmas. Period.
- A 6.2-carat genuine cultured faux Christmas-tree shaped topaz adjustable-size ring with matching earrings and a coordinating belt buckle. Any “fashion jewelry” is not. Fashionable. Or, arguably, jewelry.
- A Roomba. Unless my husband is secretly itching for a life of celibacy. In which case any small household appliance would make a perfectly fine gift.
- “Fine fragrance.” Again: anything that feels the need to specify is, most assuredly, not fine.
- A Snuggie. Well, actually, maybe. But no. No.
- A Snuggie for my dog. (If I had a dog.) I actually read a “news report” about Black Friday in which a woman cited not purchasing a Snuggie for her dog last Friday as an example of her new-found fiscal restraint, given These Current Economic Times. To her I say: way to stand firm. It’s personal responsibility like this that makes Our Nation Great.
- A Baby Alive doll that eats. And poops. Granted, I’m probably not the target demographic for this one, but Evan thought it would be perfect for me. I guess a pooping doll is the gift that keeps on giving. This? Is one ugly doll. And it poops. The stuff of nightmares.
- A spare-toilet-paper-roll-holder. Shaped like a giraffe. Its neck is really long and you store TP rolls over said long neck. Yes: this really exists. Ain’t capitalism grand?
- A massager, back or foot variety. Even if it does shiatsu.
- An electric shaver. Apparently Christmas is to the electric shaver industry what Easter is to the egg industry. Here’s hoping I don’t need one.
- A 4-shooter rotating liquor dispenser. Actually, this one may be very practical. I can install it in the laundry room and toss back a couple every time I take stuff out of the dryer. Efficient.
- A DIY doggie DNA test. For anybody who’s just been dying to find out if their ugly, mean chihuahua has a long-lost Rottweilian ancestor. I might get this and secretly test Jeff to see if he has any poodle blood. Seriously, if you’ve seen the dude’s hair recently, you understand.
- A money-sorting jar. The kids found this one in the “For Dad!” section of the ads. Fortunately the ads designate gifts for each parent so we don’t accidentally get a a Dad Gift for Mom or vice versa. But the kids, in their progressive stereotype-crashing ways, still thought I might like the money-sorter. And I’m totally going to tell them they should get their dad a purple leather purse. A Fashion Handbag, no less. And maybe a zebra-striped bra.
- A Zhu-zhu pet. Mostly because I don’t want my family members to risk closed cranial trauma in the pursuit of one of these stupid things.
What I really want: a Nook. But Barnes & Noble didn’t foresee that this would be a popular gift (how could they have possibly known?!) (oh, and who’s a sucker for marketing?) and they’re sold out until, like, 2013. And I also want a Christmas sweater. Monogrammed. With the letters “WTF” instead of my initials. (Thanks, Becky. I cannot get this out of my head now.) Oh, and if there just happened to be a white Lexus with an enormous red bow on its roof in the driveway on Christmas morning, I probably wouldn’t complain.
But. Marketing being what it is, and my kids being who they are, there’s a good chance I’ll end up with one or more of the items on the Do Not Gift List. Or a home karaoke machine. Or a hand-crafted clay ashtray. And me being who I am, whatever they get me I will declare it The Best Christmas Gift Ever. And I will mean it. Even if it’s a Chia Pet.
This is the funniest thing ever! I absolutely love it! Especially the liquor dispenser in the laundry room, naturally.
Do you know that Miss D. actually *begged* for a Chia Pet two years ago?
And the sweater with WTF? on it is evil genius.
If it were possible to actually die laughing that might have done it! Especially the Christmas sweater!! Must. Have.
I’d call you and tell you how funny this post is, but I’m going to the store to return your gift. Who knew my local grocery store would carry the Snuggie? AND who knew I would shop before Thanksgiving?
Ali, if it’s not a leopard-print Snuggie, don’t even bother.
This is HYSTERICAL.
But I’m kinda liking the rotating liquor dispenser and the Doggie DNA Decoder…
I love the sweater idea
I just spit out my wine, thanks!
I’m thinking I’m going to have to check out Land’s End to see how much monogramming costs.
Holy crap. I CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT A SHOUT OUT ON THE BLOG!! For that, after I order you the WTF sweater, I’m getting you the OMFG tote bag.
Dude. We get the LLBean totes and get them monogrammed with “OMFG” and fill them with Smirnoff Ice and take ‘em to the pool this summer. I will see. you. there.
LMAO! I do have to say that my son had a towel monogrammed for college with ASS so that no one would take it. Foolish boy! It didn’t last long.
I want the liquor dispenser but have to find a closet to put it in so the college kids don’t drink my liquor.
Oh, Nicki, the pitfalls of having older children…. Mine only swipe my candy. And Becky… even better idea: you get the tote that says “OMFG” and I’ll the one that says “STFU.” We’ll be a matching set.
This gets even better, because the Miller family is officially banned from the clubhouse and the pool due to a nasty disagreement about the light fixture in the clubhouse. Very. Long. Story. But, it would be AWESOME if I came as your guest to the pool with my OMFG tote bag. Trust me…that Cory Ridenhour, head of neighborhood management, would LOVE us. Not.
Dying of uncontrollable laughter here. I came over from The Kitchen Witch on her recommendation and it really is a good thing I’m not sitting in a library like she warned me. Love, love, love it.
I’m here thanks to TKW – and I’m so glad I stopped by! Too funny. I have a similar rule as you with my husband for gifts – anything with a cord, that plugs in is NEVER (I repeat) NEVER a good gift. For any occasion.
Okay, first I was with you on how tacky the crap in stores can be. Then I was thinking, isn’t it embarrassing that people without clean water might find out some day that we have Snuggies for dogs? And then I almost peed myself thinking about doing laundry with a couple of pumps of Jack and Coke, and carefully folding all the monogrammed WTF towels.
Hilarious. Thank you. I’ll send you a chia pet. I have a whole collection, because since they debuted, my brother has given me one a year. Every f*^king year.
You are genius I tell you. Genius.
Now get your ass over to my site and get that blog button up I made for ya!
I know. I’m shameless. And also? 1/8th drunk. I mean, well, er…I had a beer with lunch.
Sarah… I’m shocked. Maybe we should do a cyber-lunch. With drinks. Off to grab a button!
Glad to find you site through TKW’s recommendation. (She is very good at marketing, you see…) This is a wonderful list. The comment on electric shaver is priceless! If you do get a karaoke machine, let me know. I have been coveting one for a while now… figure that it would just make it more fun when I get drunk.
Oooh, Submom, I had not even considered the fact that a karaoke machine would be a perfect companion to the liquor dispenser. I can put it in the laundry room. And sing Bohemian Rhapsody while I match socks. My kids will think I’m the best singer ever.
TKW said you were hilarious and she is right. Love the list. Love the WTF sweater. Love this blog. Do you have room for another regular? I promise to behave. (Most of the time.)
How do you do it? You are cracking me up. Also, my kids are INTO SCOOBY DOO right now. And I saw a Shaggy Chia Pet in CVS yesterday. So, if it’s gonna be a chia? Go with Shaggy.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that of all the things on the do not list, if you have to get one, it’s the liquor dispenser. Imagine. You’d be ASKING for laundry from your children.
This list is great! But…I really do think you need the real-life eating & pooping doll… But…this is purely selfish on my part…because you know I’m so fond of your poop stories. They keep me laughing!