Ten things. Ten things you do not know about me. Fair enough: there’s probably a lot you don’t know about me. But remember the 25 Things thing that went around Facebook a while ago? I didn’t do it. I had no desire to do it. I couldn’t do it.
I’m going to do this, but I have to do it my way. My painfully (pathologically?) introspective way. The way it makes sense to me. I’m going to write Ten Things I Don’t Know About Myself.
_______________
I don’t know how to act my age, which is 53 days shy of 40.
I don’t know when I became obsessively thin.
I don’t know if I regret not having a daughter.
I don’t know if I will be able to walk tomorrow. Because MS is terrifying. And it is my reality.
I don’t know why I changed my name when I got married. I regret it.
I don’t know what to do. At this moment, I have no goals, no dreams. Nothing beyond making it through today.
I don’t know if I would have been pretty, if this hadn’t happened. If. But I like to think so. If.
I don’t know, in response to Big Little Wolf’s post, if I am hot.
I don’t know why I am not a vegetarian.
And I have absolutely no idea why I am an irrepressible optimist. Why, in spite of it all, or perhaps because of it all, I know deep in my bones that my life is painfully beautiful.
_______________
And where, you ask, is the bravery in this half-drunk list? It is, I suppose, in not explaining, not excusing. Not to you or to myself. The courage is in just letting this be what it is. In letting these questions answer themselves. In being patient.
The courage is in letting myself be who I am.
This post is brought to you courtesy of Momalom and their Half-Drunk Challenge, Big Little Wolf and the Sugar Doll Award, and Bailey’s and my coffee pot. And my husband, who is kind enough to be entertained at the sight of me getting buzzed at 9:45. In the morning. Thanks to all.
I have chivers and shills.
Wait.
No.
I haven’t been drinking.
Yet.
Shivers and chills.
Like after reading Kitch’s post from yesterday I feel I must tip my hat to you and then go throw back a few. Shots, that is.
Because yes. The courage is in letting the questions rise. In recognizing them. In writing them. In letting them be.
Shoot. Now I have to do my own 10 things. Yowsers, as my dad once said.
Just read this, clicked the link about your tumor, and just bled a little. I am achy from this fucking lumbar and those assholes took 15 (WTF?) vials of blood and my worries are–nothing. xoxo
Goldfish, I’m so glad you came by because that inspired me to follow you here and then wonder why it’s taken me so long to find you. So many Momalom fans! So little time!) What an incredible post. I’m blown away.
I think this is perfect.
I loooooooooooooooooove that this occurred at 9:45 am. You. Are. My. Idol. And in my neighborhood, nonetheless. It sort of takes the suburban desperation that gets at me sometimes go away:)
All right, Miller. You’re up. Will be looking for your Half-Drunk post now. But you don’t have to do it in the morning.
Reading this list of questions, of doubts, I feel like I know more about you than if you had written a list of facts, of certainties.
You are a gifted writer and I treasure my daily dose of your words. Thank you for sharing these ideas with us.
Amen, sister.
I love what you say about not explaining and not excusing. That’s powerful, and brave. Well done!
I’m not quite sure how I haven’t gotten over here sooner. I always read your comments on the other blogs I read and love your words. And now, after reading this, I definitely feel as if I’m “in”. I’m hooked. I do feel like I know you from these thing you don’t know. Beautifully written and I for sure will be back!
What Amy said. And hugs. You are one brave, amazing woman, and I hold in esteem the way you’ve laid things bare here.
I’m finding myself wanting to reassure you. I’m going to keep quiet, though, because these are questions that only you can answer.
Admitting that you don’t know these things IS brave.
You amaze me!
Reading your blog makes me happy. It helps remind me what is/isn’t important in life. I keeps me thriving during tough times. Thank you for sharing these introspective “things you don’t know.” I think it is far more brave than writing about what you do no.
Very brave indeed. I have lots of things that I dont know and sometimes I struggle to answer them and sometimes they just remain unknown and sit there in their simplicity of being something unknown and of wonder.
[...] post is in response to the Sugar Doll award, bestowed upon us by our good friend Teresa, whose Ten Things she entered in our recent challenge. The circle goes round and round. And we wouldn’t want it [...]