Getting kind of down to the wire on Christmas shopping… and Sarah & Jen had someone land on Momalom by Googling “gift for mother of three boys.” Obviously there’s a need for some assistance out there. And I am here to serve. I’ve compiled a list of things that might be helpful, trying to take into account a variety of tastes and budgets. The Mother of Three Boys in your life will be thrilled to find any of the following under the tree on Christmas morning.
Holiday Gift Guide for Mothers of Three Boys
Pink. Anything pink, because there is a good chance that there is nothing pink in her entire home. Bubble gum. Handcuffs. Cadillac. Use your imagination. Just get it in pink. Cost: $0.59 and up.
The Idiot’s Guide to Pokemon and Bakugan and All Those Other Stupid-Ass Trading Card Games with Weird Japanese Cartoon Characters that Elementary-School-Age Boys Love. These games make absolutely no sense to adults. Or females. Cost: paperback $16.95; e-book $9.99.
Plane Tickets. To anywhere, provided they are one-way. Cost: $87 and up, plus about $302 in airline fees.
Four-Shooter Rotating Liquor Dispenser. I know, I said I didn’t want this. But as I thought about it, I realized it was The Perfect Gift for a totally strung-out mother who has three boys running around shooting Nerf guns and farting all the time. Cost: $17.88, plus booze.
Valium Salt Lick. I stole this directly from The Kitchen Witch, because it is an awesome idea. You could also get a Junior size, guaranteed to chill those boys the hell out. If you get both this and the liquor dispenser, you might urge her to exercise caution in using both simultaneously. Cost: No idea. Maybe a little pricey. Couldn’t tell you what Valium is going for these days.
Georgia O’Keeffe Print. Let’s just say it: there are a lot of penises in her house. This might provide a little balance. And if you don’t understand this one, I’m not gonna explain it. Cost: $22.99; $129.03 framed.
Noise Cancelling Headphones. All she wants is a little peace and quiet, without the constant roar of boy-children yelling out of anger. Or joy. Or hunger. Whatever. Get her a pair of these and she’ll be able to relax no matter what’s going on. (Disclaimer: not responsible if mother fails to hear screams when boy cuts off his brother’s hand with a chainsaw.) Cost: $27.68-399.99.
Imaginary Bullet-Proof Vest. To protect her from all the imaginary bullets that the firearm-obsessed little Rambos are constantly shooting from their imaginary guns. Cost: Free.
Prostitute. For him, not her. To satisfy whatever needs he may have. Because when she goes to bed at night, all she wants to do is sleep. Trust me on this one. Cost: Varies by region. Check Craigslist for current rates in your area. I would advise you to avoid bargain-basement prices, however.
Bathroom Renovation. Toilet training one boy makes your bathroom disgusting. Toilet training two boys makes it unusable except in emergencies. Toilet training three boys results in the need for a floor-to-ceiling decontamination, and requires the use of biohazard suits to enter. Reclaim your home and gut the bathroom. Cost: I dunno. Probably at least a couple grand.
A Year’s Supply of Air Freshener. In case the renovation isn’t in your budget. Cost: $168.
So there are just a few ideas to get you started. Ho. Ho. Ho.
(Oh, and many apologies for the rampant gender stereotypes in this post. In my defense, there is a reason for most of those stereotypes. I know this for a fact.)
Wow! What a laugh! Your creativity (and honesty) is quite witty! Boys.
I was in no way offended by the gender stereotypes. Something that science cannot explain, despite its best attempts to neutralize gender differences, is boy’s fascinations with weapons. Everything becomes a weapon. Why?(moaning) It doesn’t matter how hard you try to explain to them “dangerous,” they continue to fight.
Love it! I only have two sons – and neither yet ready for potty training – so I am going to save my renovation for next Christmas, but suggestions 1-9? Bring ‘em on!
I could easily go for the valium salt lick, bathroom renovation, and years supply of air freshener… yes… we just went through potty training.
I told you about the marshmallow guns, right? The ones my husband and brothers-in-law received for Christmas last year? It appears they never outgrow this stuff.
The Georgia O’Keeffe print, oh YES. I suggest hanging it prominently. And some coffee table books to match? Check out this and this.
There is no way I can even attempt to do this now. Why? Because you are genius. I’ll take all of these. Maybe, possibly, we could get that one-way air ticket to the same destination, and take the rest of the presents with us. Except maybe the prostitute…nah, she can come too!
I say bring the hooker, Sarah. And you HAVE to do this!
Oh fuckity fuck, oKAY. It will give me something specific to distract myself from work tomorrow. But I’m pretty sure you took all the good ones!
I love you. I really do. You have such a wicked, spot-on, snarky little mind. I NEED the prostitute this year. Pleeeeease?
And I gotta say, my bathroom was really nasty with potty training, and I had girls. I can only imagine with boys…
I so love this list!
(The one-way ticket sounds good… after last week, the rotating liquor dispenser, not so much.)
I love this post! It reminds me how as soon as my two boys arrived the girly-girl in me suddenly appeared with a vengeance. I wanted all things frilly, pink and as girly as possible. Interesting how that extra dose or two of testosterone will do that to a mom!
Fantastic list! I definitely want to print this out!!!
I have some pink to spare in my house and I am going to search out something PERFECT just for you.
I like the way you think, and it seems to be so simular to me
I know I told TKW that I sure could use the Valium salt lick and the Everclear drinking fountian at work. (I work in the clinic in an elementary school) Ever try dealing not just with sick and hurt kids, but the teachers and parents too? Anyway great ideas, I could go for a few!
I’m a nurse… and totally get what you mean…. And I’m wondering if we could put in some sort of grain alcohol dispenser next to the filtered-water faucet in the kitchen?
You are totes selling yourself short on the bathroom renovation! Appeal to Mrs Claus and ask for your own bathroom, she’s down with that. Let the boys have the fallout shelter all to themselves.
And year supply of air freshener + clorox wipes.
I always hated– hated!– air fresheners. And now I have a bunch of those plug-in thingies. Because no matter how bad they smell, it’s better than the kids’ bathroom.
You? Are my personal hero. A Valium salt lick could be the best f$*king gift I’ve ever heard of. I’m lining up to hit the lick with an IV of wine and my WTF scarf around my neck.
So there are times when I read other blogs and wish that I had written their posts. This was one of those times. Awesome post — especially the guide to Bakugan. I have completely given up. Kudos to you. I will be checking back soon.
-Emily @ mothersofbrothers.com